Ah could ask you a question?

“Ah could ask yuh ah question?”For those of us with visual impairment, or even any disability for that matter; we know that this question is nine out of ten times, followed by other questions about your said disability that is absurd enough to turn seventy percent of your frontal lobe into mayonnaise.

Once in a blue and white checkered moon, we do get an actual intelligent query; mind you, but I mentally assume a crash position, when I hear the magic question. Of course I have had many instances of barrages of dumb comments, utterances and statements that makes the Mad hatter’s tea party sound like a lecture at the Smithsonian by comparison, but there are days when the planets align and an apocalyptic event, which I have christened, a ‘Megamoronic occurrence’ happens.

I have to start at the beginning, however; because if I don’t, then you will be unable to fully comprehend the enormous migraine I have to endure whilst committing this bizarre incident to a digital existence.

I had gone to a popular bakery that I knew nothing about until just recently. My company was three other police officers, who apparently had just as huge a craving for baked flour and diabetic coma inducing amounts of sugar as I had. Lyndon, a stout lad/youtube enthusiast/Secondary school meanie arrived in his car, transporting Miss Chan; whose first name I am both unwilling and unable to spell or even pronounce. . Marissa, a young woman who professes to be exactly one quarter Chinese, and actually has flow charts, bar graphs and spreadsheets to support her claim, gave me a ride in her utility vehicle, whilst we had a lively and riveting debate about whether all the people in San Fernando sounded the same. Well, Marissa and I arrived at the front entrance of the bakery, and when she couldn’t see hide nor hair of either Lyndon or the lady whose name rhymes with ‘paprika’, began to dial Lyndon’s cell phone. As soon as the call connected, the weirdest thing happened. Usually normal human beings start a phone conversation with a cheerful, “Hello?”, or probably a more crude, “Eh?”, but the quarter asian began shouting into the phone, “KA-KAW! KA-KAW!!!”, as if she was a crow or something. The even stranger thing, was that she was honestly puzzled when a lady who was sitting in the front seat of a nearby parked car, quickly closed all her windows,and probably contacted the national guard or at least Dr Phil. 

Apparently the cawing was some odd code between Lyndon and her. 

Well, we got our pastries cakes and whatever else caught Miss. Chan’s eye, and headed for home. I almost ate everything I had for the first half of the journey, and slept for the second half; and by the time I had reached San Juan, I was so groggy, that I probably looked like a quarter Chinese myself.

“Yuh wah help?”shouted Marissa, who obviously asked out of formality, as she was having an intimate moment with a croissant.

“Nah. I’m good.”, And as I turned to face the Priority Bus Route, a young man approached me and offered assistance to cross the busy death trap of a street.

“Ah could ask yuh ah question?”

I jumped; ever so slightly, squeezed my eyes shut, nodded my head, and prepared for the torrent of nonsense to wash over me.

“Yeah. Go ahead.”, I replied.

“So…”,

Hesitation. That little pause is usually a sure sign of something stupid trying to crawl out of ones brain, only to be converted into the form of speech in a manner most idiotic. But I read in a book somewhere that if you have to eat a poop sandwich, you might as well start from the corners; and my blindy senses were tingling; telling me that this one was a footlong poop sandwich.

“I always wanted to know…”

Subway; eat fresh.

“…how blind people does know when a car moving?”, He asked.

“”What you mean?Cars make a lot of noise, yuh know.”

“Ah know. But when yuh in de car, how all yuh does know when de car moving?”

Restraint. Noun. The ability to keep oneself under control. For example: Marlon exercised almost Demi god-like restraint not to physically assault the person with his last remaining currant roll.

“We can still hear and feel the engine…”, I said through clenched teeth.

“”Yeah, but..”

“”We could hear it!”

“Hmm. If you say so…”

It would have seemed that the guy wasn’t convinced; and whilst it ought not to have mattered whether he believed me or not, I went against basic logic, and actually made an attempt to convince him.

“Next time you are out side on the street, just close your eyes and listen. You will see what I am talking about”

“Ah think ah now understand what you talking about”

Well. That was fast.

“Really?”, I asked.

“Yeah. meh eye closed, and ah hearing de car and den”

“Wait! yuh eye closed now?! We still not in de middle ah de road?!”

“Yeah, Doh worry, Ah hearing de car and den”

Lunacy. noun. madness. absolute and unbridled. For example: The man guiding Marlon across the priority Bus Route; a road known for taking more lives than small pox, closed his eyes whilst in the middle of said road in a brief moment of lunacy.

“Boy! Open yuh blasted eye! What wrong with you?!”, I bawled. You know, I am wondering if the ‘Daredevil’ tee shirt I ordered, got mixed up, and I actually got one labelled, ‘I accept help from suicidal simpletons’

I eventually felt the tip of my cane hit against the safety of the sidewalk, whilst at the same time, thanking God that I didn’t end up a statistic to be added to the road fatality count.

“Where yuh going now?”, he asked.

“Nah. I’m good”

“Yuh sure you eh going further up the road?”

“Um. No. Um. Somebody coming for me.”

Lie. Verb. To tell someone something untrue. To bear false witness. For example: Marlon told the person who might have got him killed, a bold faced lie, in order to avoid another potential brush with death.

“Okay. Later”, And I heard him hopefully make his departure, most likely recrossing the road; probably with his eyes closed. I eventually managed to get a taxi, and as I squirmed into the seatbelt…

“Aye Big man. Ah could ask you ah question?”